Monday, June 24, 2013

The year I don't remember

My beautiful miracle turned "1" last weekend. I still cannot believe a whole year has passed since she arrived into the world. When I put her down to sleep the night of her birthday, I couldn't help but remember that night a year ago when I first held her in my arms. Screaming, experiencing this cold world for the first time. One year later, she is calm, peaceful in my arms clutching her blanket and staring at me.

My first few weeks with her were not the easiest, as it isn't with any new mom. Physically, I was feeling much better than I did after I had Kelsi, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was falling apart. Honestly, it was the loneliest, darkest, scariest place that I had ever been. I remember every day just wanting to take June and run away...where? I don't know...I just wanted to leave. As the weeks and months moved on, I tried to get back into my "normal" life. Exercising, time with my husband, my new family, my girl time, callings at church. I felt like I was putting on the best show of my life. I can't explain it in words, but I felt as if I was always having an out of body experience. Physically there with my friends, smiling and laughing at the right times - but something was wrong. I became a mother to my oldest that I am ashamed of. I reached out a time or two to a few close friends nearby, but I would never dare to confess to them where I was or where I felt I was heading. Until, one night I talked to a friend and realized I really needed help. I swallowed my pride and got help and I wish that I would have done that 6 months prior. I started to feel normal again, at least my "new normal". I shed the past and moved on to embrace the present. I can really only remember in detail things that happened 5 months ago to present. I do remember my baby growing way too fast. And now here she is...a year old and not stopping!

I am so thankful for her sweet cheeks, constant chatter, chubby legs, crazy hair, crooked smile and those little dimples. She reminds me of my purpose in life, of how selfish I have been, but how far I have come. I am thankful for her constant reminder to slow down and enjoy the present. I love you little June Bug!